Bees are Terrorizing our Campus

Spring has sprung at Wake Forest, and that brings warmth, sunshine and joy.

Students should be spending sun-filled hours outside, sitting in the courtyard between Benson and Tribble or throwing the clichéd frisbee out on the Upper Quad.

Bzz.

Instead, students are running for cover in the safe confines of indoor spaces.

Bzzz.

Walking outside is a risk one has to take to survive.

Bzzzz.

A few daring students will try to enjoy the spring scenery while eating a takeout meal from Benson. But the monsters are no match for them, causing the students to leave their food and backpacks.

Bzzzzz.

They’re small and fluffy, but nobody’s fooled. These insects have the power to kill: their venom will quickly course through your veins, causing the site of entry to swell up in a terribly itchy red bump, and in a matter of minutes your throat will close up if no action is taken.

Wake Forest is overrun with swarms of bees.

Sure, some of the bees claim to be the nice guys. They claim, “We’re just like you! We listen to jazz in our free time; we just want to be friends!” They don’t understand why students are so fearful of them.

As if.

An administrator refused to acknowledge Wake Forest’s bee problem, but one faculty member claimed that, while it’s great to see so many bees in the environment, maybe Wake Forest should share the wealth and have the bees go sting students at Duke.

One senior, Honey B. Wacks, was recently attacked and stung by not one, but two bees in quick succession.

“It all happened so suddenly,” she said. “And in such an unsuspecting spot. I don’t think I can ever enjoy another pitcher of beer outside Shorty’s again!”

Student Health said that Wacks is expected to make a full recovery in time for commencement, which Wacks is hoping will get moved inside so that nobody in attendance will risk a swarm of bees.

Luckily, the majority of students will clear off campus in a matter of weeks. When they return for fall semester, they only have to live for two weeks in total terror while they wait for the bees to migrate down to Florida.

But for now, nowhere is safe: The bees are on the Upper Quad. In the Tribble Courtyard. Between Collins and Bostwick. Next to Reynolds Gym. Near the swings on Davis Field. In the underground tunnels. Up in the bells of Wait Chapel. Even in the stacks of ZSR.

Polly Nate, a sophomore, said that there is only one benefit to the bees, and it’s not even a big one at that.

“At least they respect Wake Forest enough to dress in our school’s colors.”