Nik S asks, “How do I dress to impress at Wake Forest?”
As my lawyer frequently reminds me, there isn’t much that you can (legally) do while naked. Going to class is one of those things. So, to dress to impress, my first tip is to wear clothes -– literally any clothes. That might seem basic, but you didn’t witness Jimmy pee on Patricia’s Hello Kitty backpack in seventh grade.
At Wake Forest, everyone but the DKE brothers are pretty good at not being naked in class. Our problem: by mid-semester, students begin to stagnate stylistically — Mike is sporting his baggy sweatpants with at least two questionable stains and Rachel’s rocking her oversized sorority shirt that makes her look naked from the waist down. But we, an institution ranked 2007’s eighth-hottest student body by workhardplayhard.net, deserve better. So, how do we find that sweet spot between flaunting our figure and accidentally being added to the National Nudist Registry? The answer: always strive for S.A.C. — Style, Accessory, Confidence.
The most important part of Style is your fit. Most style guides recommend slim fits, but slim fits are also 60 percent more likely to be made using exploitative labor practices. Here at Touching Tips, we don’t support exploitative capitalism. That’s why I suggest that you learn to sew all of your clothes by hand. The DIY aesthetic is en vogue right now, so even if the clothes look atrocious, you can still brag about your artistic integrity and strong moral fiber. Beyond fit, every individual should curate a personalized style. That’s why I strongly urge you set up a fashionista meeting with me at the cheap rate of $20.99 per meeting. Remember, if you’re not paying for advice, it’s probably bad advice.
Second: Accessories. Just as the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, accessories are the powerhouse of the outfit. You want each outfit to pop, so always accessorize with bold colors. If the color’s name doesn’t sound like a new La Croix flavor, it’s not bold enough — instead of red earrings, wear amaranth ones. A gold watch? That’s amateur compared to a sarcoline one. With accessories like those, you’ll be strutting through the Pit pasta line like it’s your runway.
Finally, Confidence. In my early thirties, I spent two years too nervous to step outside. Now I leave my house wearing slim-fit dresses hand-woven from the finest Persian silks (reader, I tell you, every fiber of these silks is softer than a baby angel’s left butt cheek). The difference? I believe in myself. If you’re confident, you can break every fashion rule. Dare I say, you can even show up to class naked. That’s why I suggest that on the first day of spring semester, every Wake Forest student arrives at class, strips nude, and flaunts our collective confidence for the whole world.
Hopefully you’re prepared to dress to impress. To be featured in the next bi-weekly issue of Touching Tips, email firstname.lastname@example.org with any pressing questions!