Mary Grace R. asks, “How do I prepare for life after Wake Forest?”
Dear Mary Grace,
I must open this column with an apology regarding my most recent advice. As my lawyer dutifully reminded me, it’s inadvisable to attend class naked on the first day of spring semester — that will likely result in imprisonment. I take full responsibility for my careless advice. On the bright side, the answer to your question relates closely to clothing. Before continuing with your post-collegiate life — whether that horizon is the Adderall-soaked evenings of graduate school or the cocaine-fueled workdays of a professional career — I strongly urge you to take a Gap year.
Gap years, of course, are not to be confused with gap years. With the former, you luxuriate as an employee at The Gap Inc., the finest off-brand clothing institution this side of the Atlantic, whereas with the latter, you wallow in your childhood bedroom while eating Doritos, smoking reefer and trying to “find yourself.” Frankly, it’s embarrassing.
You may scoff at this advice. “Silly, sexy Peter,” you may say, “who would ever want to work at Gap for a year?” The answer, Mary Grace, is anyone with a brain who also conveniently doesn’t have a previous arrest record for being tased in a Gap parking lot, or for allegedly shoplifting a GapFit™ Maternity shawl, or for burning Gap’s toddler-sized Dino pajamas.
Why work for Gap? They’re committed to sustainable business practices and equitable pay, which is so progressive that North Carolina just voted yes on legislation foreclosing all Gaps in the state. So, by working for Gap, you not only support the environment and gender equality, but you’re also guaranteed a ticket out of the home state of Richard Burr, the four-time winner of our nation’s highly competitive annual “racist senators who also look like cherry tomatoes” competition.
The next step: marketing yourself as a desirable employee. Gap’s website provides advice for cover letters such as “start strong” and “tell us about that cool thing you did” and, most insightful of all, “use your words.” Use your words? C’mon Gap, that’s the advice I gave my five-year-old son after he hit his teammate with a tee-ball bat during the second inning of a game. I’ve extensively researched Gap’s website to provide you with better tips to prepare your cover letter and résumé. My main discovery: Gap’s slogans almost always double as sexual innuendos. Examples include, “The gap grows you” and “Meet me inside your gap.” So, the key to your job application? Include as many sexual innuendos as possible.
Here are some examples: if you volunteered at your local river cleanups during the summer, describe that as, “spent ninety hot days getting sweaty and wet with new friends.” Or, if you conducted groundbreaking research in the biology labs, say, “researched the processes involved in creating life, if you know what I mean.”
If you follow this advice, Gap will be salivating over your résumé! I hope this helps, and to be featured in the next bi-weekly issue of Touching Tips, email firstname.lastname@example.org with any pressing questions!