Senior Fifth Is Unhealthy; There Are Alternatives

In around a week and half, Wake Forest seniors will celebrate one of our most controversial traditions: Senior Fifth.

Some seniors will be drinking a fifth of their favorite alcoholic beverage or just drinking a ton to get smashed for their final home football game.

We as seniors know that this tradition is horrid for our health, yet many will participate. I am not going to tell people what to do, but I will tell my fellow seniors some alternative things to drink so as to not destroy our bodies as much.

In my opinion, it’s a primitive tradition which seems so juvenile. I won’t judge others, but I couldn’t imagine drinking a fifth.

I think it is important to note that you can have fun with less than a fifth of alcohol. That is why I am going drinking a nice crisp Four Loko (or two if I am feeling loco). Nonetheless, here are my recommendations for you seniors wary of drinking a fifth.

Our last home football game should be a time of celebration of the last four years we have spent on this campus. Given how much time I have spent at Moe’s Southwest Grill, my first recommendation is a nice and thick fifth of Moe’s signature queso.

While it could be said that this is as much, if not more, unhealthy, it sure does taste better. As you sip, you will remember those days munching on those wet chips and sloppy burritos.

If Moe’s queso is not your preference, my next option might be. While a fifth usually costs around $15 or so, this alternative will cost considerably more. My next recommendation is a fifth full of some delicious Juul juice.

For those who have hit those little USBs, you know that sometimes that slurp juice seeps out. Imagine now that you had a fifth-full of some juicy Crème Brulee or Cucumber Juul pod juice. As you sip, you will remember all those regrettable nights where you bummed some Juul rips. To get a fifth though, you will need a good chunk of change. Given this, my last four will be easier on your pocket.

As Eric Andre says, “Ranch it UP,” I think we should ranch up senior fifth. While the ranch could make your belly milly rock to oblivion, a hangover won’t be on the horizon. First move is to find a empty fifth; I recommend looking for one in a recently condemned frat house off campus.

Once that is in your inventory, your next stop is the Pit. For one swipe you can fill your fifth with some premium Aramark ranch. Be careful with the ranch, though; too much of that stuff and you will be out of this world.

While in the Pit, if you are vegan, my recommendation is to slide over to the pasta line. For those not aware, the make-your-own pasta line comes with a side of greasy oil to sip on once the pasta is relaxing in your belly. You can either start saving up your pasta oil now to have a drop of flavor in your fifth or the Friday before asking them for no pasta this time around, only grease.

My last recommendation is the most cost-efficient, considering it is free. All you must do is find your way to one of the endangered lounges or frat houses on our campus. Bring with you an empty fifth or hope you are one of those lucky few to find one there.

Once there, start scooping that scrumptious sludge. Frat sludge is one of the delectable treats that will leave your life when you graduate.

For senior fifth, celebrate this achievement by drinking that tasty slop. I will say though, this may be worse for your health than alcohol, but I am just a politics major, so I could be wrong. I plan to ask a pre-med first-year in the coming days.

While I love to goof around, I think it is really important to take care of our bodies. While we are young and spry, a fifth of alcohol can be incredibly dangerous. So, just take care of yourself and those partaking in senior fifth on the 17th. Maybe sip on a Four Loko, and we could make Senior Fifth become Senior Fourth.