Becca M asks, “How do I get a registered pet at Wake Forest?”
Times are dark here at Touching Tips. The FBI has framed me for REDACTEDCRIME, and I’ve been on the run for six weeks. I’ve hidden in barns, in warehouses, in garages, in the bed of Bradley Cooper’s Ford 150, but until now, I haven’t had access to a computer to continue this vital advice column. This question, however, deserves an answer no matter the personal danger it places me in. You see, Wake Forest has a dire problem: the infestation of stray cats that sneak around the backside of Wait Chapel. The solution? Catch the cats, tame them and keep them as your pets forever. Catching feral cats, of course, is easier said than done. I subscribe to the method employed by the self-proclaimed Cesar Millan of the felines, a 74-year-old lady who wears two monocles and goes by the YouTube name “Carol’s Ferals.”
Step one: Boil milk in your residence hall communal kitchen (without — and I know this may seem impossible — setting off the fire alarm).
Step two: Bring the boiling milk to the cats’ lair.
Step three: Beckon the cats to the edge of the boiling milk.
Step four: Dowse yourself in the aforementioned boiling milk. Cats are sadistic little rascals; they enjoy infuriating humans, so your suffering is certain to win their trust.
There is, however, another wrinkle in this flawless plan, the feral cats live not in Wait Chapel, but in the tunnels beneath it. Rumor has it that two philosophy students entered these same tunnels in 1986 and returned 19 years later with degrees in business management. Rumor has it that the sorority girls convene in the tunnels to perform ritual sacrifices under every full moon. Rumor has it that Nathan O. Hatch sheds his human skin in the tunnels each night and returns to his lizard brethren. The tunnels are an abyss of broken hope and shattered dreams and no advice I offer can prepare you. I will say only this: bring your Wake Forest-issued ThinkPad — its secrets hold the key to your survival.
Once you’ve secured your cat from the tunnels, your final step is to register it with the university. Residence Life and Housing is the Wile E. Coyote of this campus: full of nefarious plots. This, therefore, will be your hardest task. However, we all know that RAs are banned from checking refrigerators during room inspections, so the only logical conclusion is to hide your cat in the fridge. Make sure to give it a thick jacket and an oxygen mask so it can stay safe in there!
This advice is all I can offer for now. The Feds are hot on my tail, so if you see them prowling around campus, tell them I’m on vacation in Tasmania. Maybe throw some boiling milk at them. Anyways, email me at email@example.com to be featured in the next issue of Touching Tips. If you don’t hear from me, plan a rescue mission.