As the spring semester starts, discussions of what one is doing for Spring Break fill the air. From going home to going to Cancun, one’s destination is only the limit of their mind (and pocket). For those uncertain of their plans, or looking for alternative plans, I am here for you.
Considering my meticulous and detailed analytical work of Spring Break locations, I have compiled the best Spring Break spots of 2019. I will say, though, with such a short amount of time before break, start booking your stays now, my friends.
My first recommendation is for those in need of a more traditional Spring Break. While Vanessa Hudgens won’t be here, you could take a trip down south to Cancun with Brad and that hunk Chad. However, please make no assumptions about them. While they are going to Cancun, they’re not going for the babes or the beer. Rather, they are going for the culture. Both Brad and Chad are recently declared anthropology majors, and they got the department to pay for their research trip this year. They have room for one more, so time is short for those interested. You can reach them at 336-422-5384, please no implicit offers though, this is academic research only.
Okay, so maybe Brad and Chad’s gig isn’t your thing. But, you are craving a southwest vibe and you are not interested in traveling far. My next recommendation is for you. It has locations all over the United States. There is even one on campus, so you are covered. You may be new to the establishment, but Moe’s Southwest Grill will provide you with all the grease you need. From chips to burritos, they will make sure your stomach is feeling like it’s on Spring Break. And if the Moe’s hits your stomach too hard, I hope you find yourself near a bathroom.
Speaking of bathrooms, my next Spring Break destination recommendation will have you exploring one more than you ever thought you would. I’ve had many experiences with first-year boy restrooms, sadly, and from this I have seen and smelled what no one else should ever see or smell. This recommendation is for the brave, those willing to climb the Mount Everest of our campus. The prime boy’s bathroom is located on Babcock’s second floor. There you will find all the bodily fluids possible and an aroma that will change your perception of smell forever.
If this fills you with fear, that’s okay because my next endorsement is a little easier on the senses. This next location is tried and true, as a friend of mine visited once. He came back and explained that while there, he found himself. Some will say this place doesn’t exist, but finding the University of Phoenix is part of the process. In finding it, you will find yourself. Due to this, I knew I had to include it in my list of recommendations.
Now, for those real gamers out there, I’ve got the place for you. You may ask, “Where we droppin,’ boys?” My answer is and will always be Tilted Towers. Tilted Towers has all the loot you will need during spring break. And if you’re lucky, you will find some thick Chug Jugs so you can get tipsy. For more info, you can go to MLGguides.com or watch me game some noobs on my Twitch stream.
This final destination, and probably one of the best, is for those of you who are in need a hotter resort of sorts. One that also allows you to see some relatives of the coconut. While you may not have the money to see some real coconuts, you will definitely feel like you’re at the beach here. A good friend of mine has a slim thick pair of pants that will fit your needs. When he wears his skin-tight Nike pants, he leaves nothing to the imagination. While the nightly price to stay near his package is high, it’s worth it for all you out there single and ready for some heat in your life.
Look, y’all, Spring Break is a not just a week off school, it’s a time to calm your mind, learn about yourself and have fun. I hope my wide assortment of prime destinations helps you have a sweaty and chiefin’ spring break.