1. Only wear elaborate, slightly disturbing graphic tees when you go out.
Wake Forest has a tradition called “Walmart Wednesdays” where everyone dons a $1 graphic tee from the most ethically sourced monopoly retail corporation in the world and we go around to on-campus parties rocking the coolest gear imaginable. Nothing screams “I’m fun” like a “This guy needs a beer” shirt!
2. Walk as slow as possible in the middle of the sidewalk at all times.
This is a given! Walking slowly and serving as a human blockade gives everyone behind you the opportunity to admire your outfit and mimic your strut. You get it, girl!
3. Do not join any extracurricular activities. Also, do not speak in class.
Real Wake Forest students are uninvolved, apathetic and seen, not heard. Also, sometimes not seen. Definitely don’t join sketch comedy troupes, a capella groups, intramural sports teams or academic clubs. Why would you want to meet amazing students with shared interests when you could be aloof and cool?
4. Bring your recorder from third-grade music class and play it while you wait in line at the Pit.
I don’t think an explanation is needed for this tip. There is nothing better than dinner and a show. So dust off that old recorder your dad definitely didn’t feed into a wood chipper and go to town!
5. Organize a class-wide Harlem Shake to perform on the quad after convocation.
Just do it.
6. Naruto run to class.
The Bay Area girls have longboards, the athletes have their clunky scooters and the Deacon Place dwellers have their bikes. The rest of us have our feet. So, put them to use and show off your aerodynamic run across the quad — the upperclassmen will love it! Bonus points if you wear a lanyard around your neck!
7. Don’t ask for help, literally ever.
You will hear rumors about the university having a great counseling center, wonderful professors who care deeply about your wellbeing and a variety of other resources to uplift you when things get tough. Don’t believe these rumors. They are all lies. You have to tough it all alone. Let your pride win.
8. Don’t bring books or school supplies to class.
In fact, don’t even buy a backpack. Instead, bring a duffel bag full of Juicy Fruit to class and start each class by interrupting the professor to offer them a piece of gum. Then, proceed to walk around and pass gum out like a hot dog vendor at a Winston-Salem Dash game. Deafening shouts advertising your wares are encouraged.
You might not learn anything, but you will make a lot of friends and get a super strong jaw, so which is the better takeaway here?
9. Don’t explore Winston-Salem.
Campus is a bubble and should remain that way. Do not go past the entrance to campus. Better yet, don’t leave your dorm! Walking around Salem Lake, going to the Cobblestone Farmers Market, exploring Old Salem, hiking at Pilot Mountain, grabbing a coffee from SaySo and trying a signature cocktail at Cin Cin sound pretty boring to me. Why would you want to explore such an up-and-coming city?
10. Don’t read the OGB.
Why would you want to stay up-to-date on local, national and international news written and produced by and for students? Well-researched, fact-checked information about school and state policies and engaging opinion pieces? Sounds lame to me. Also, I hear their editorial team is super weird. Ew.