We have received the following draft email from the Office of Communications and External Relations and feel it best to share with the students…
17th Update to Security Status
Wake Alert firstname.lastname@example.org via getrave.com
Given the numerous detailed and reassuring messages we have sent out previously, we feel it necessary to update the campus on a new unsubstantiated threat to campus.
Like the previous unsubstantiated and detail-driven emails about the threats, we will be as vague and ill-detailed as we can in this coded email.
We have heard countless rumors ranging from a third Village Juice, the P.O.D exclusively selling Juul Pods and more. We want to firmly deny those rumors. We want to stress that the latter has no validity, but the possibility of a third Village Juice is not just possible, but probable.
For the most recent possible threat, we hope rumors don’t continue to be spread throughout the entire campus. Because of this we have decided to provide even less information than before and even give false information to throw you off track.
The following consists of two truths and a lie: the threat has something to do with students, Winston-Salem Police will now be living in every dorm room and the Office of Communications and External Relations is going to be renamed the “Office of Vague Emails.” You all can decide on the truth.
There is no greater priority than the safety of our students. Because of this, we have decided to shut off all phone access while on campus and turn off Wi-Fi to stop rumors and cause more chaos.
On top of this, the university has consulted with the brightest minds of our generation: Ben Shapiro, 6ix9ine and a plate of spaghetti. The three of them have advised us to publicly disclose the threat at this time.
We hope the following information based on the most recent threat is not too jarring. For those of you with a passion for delicious southwest food, we advise you to stop reading.
Moe’s Southwest Grill will run out of the exclusive thick and juicy queso for the upcoming weekend. While supplies will last until Last Resort Thursday, early reports show that by Friday the queso supply will be at catatonic lows.
We recommend those in immediate need of queso to please contact Winston-Salem Police at 336-422-5384.
Wake Forest always offers support and counseling services to all students, faculty and staff. The University Counseling Center will have their entire office present at Thirsty Thursday this week to assist students suffering from queso withdrawl.
Office of Vague Emails