Horoscopes tell you a lot of different things — your future career, who you’ll marry and even what you should have for breakfast tomorrow morning. More importantly, they tell you what lesson from grade school you most resemble that you used to consider pointless.
Aries (March 21- April 19)
You’re passionate, strong-willed and have very high expectations. This is why you’re Internet Explorer; we all had high expectations for it in grade school but all ended up switching to Chrome.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re strong, stubborn and unwilling to give ground. You also pay attention to fine detail. This is why you’re MLA format; just like this useless format that could’ve been done via EasyBib, your attention to fine detail was enough to take points off of a paper for forgetting to do a hanging indent on a works cited page.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Geminis are adaptable and quick to exchange information. Because of their sharp wit and easy adaptability, Gemini are SOHCAHTOA, the geometry mneumonic device; this is due to this great tool’s ability to solve for angles and sides at once.
Cancer (June 21- July 22)
Cancer, you’re deeply tied to your family values and place your family and friends at the top of your priorities. As a useless grade school skill, you are represented best by how to make a pedigree. Your deep love for familial ties mirrors the family tree in 10th grade biology.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos are creative and generous, yet stubborn at times. Leos are long division, for these math problems were no doubt a creative way to solve division problems but can definitely be stubborn pieces of work.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos are analytical, perfectionists and tend to overwork themselves. This is why, as a useless high school memory, a Virgo is the fact that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Virgos are definitely a powerhouse; they tend to do everything themselves and are definitely the ones of the group who do all the work and allow everyone else to slack off.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you surround yourself with beauty, art and music. Your attention and love for art is why, as a useless school memory, you are learning to play “Hot Cross Buns” on the recorder in elementary school. No matter how much it annoyed your family, you played your recorder to your little heart’s content. B-A-G… B-A-G… G-G-G-G, A-A-A-A, B-A-G!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
As a Scorpio, you have the ability to overcome great obstacles. This is why you are the Pythagorean Theorem. Just like this easy to remember theorem, all you need are a few pieces of the puzzle to come up with a solution.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarius are full of energy, love knowledge and information, and are great thinkers. Sagittarius, you are the Dewey Decimal System because of your keen sense of knowledge and information. Although no one seems to come to you for information, much like a middle school library, you are smart and know a lot about all of the subjects.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, you are a planner and a great problem solver. This is why you are the quadratic formula. Your step-by-step process of planning and finding solutions to problems is equivalent to that of the well-known formula for factoring; if only you had a calculator to solve those pesky problems.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Aquarii are independent, original and progressive. Aquarii are the notion of having to memorize the preamble to the Constitution in American schools — a love for American independence.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pisces love music and knowledge; because of this, the useless high school memories they represent are the times table songs. Thank you for helping us to memorize our 12’s, Pisces.
