I can safely say that I am the oldest student at Wake Forest. Of course, I’m just a freshman, but I can promise you this is the truth.

My actual age of 18 is definitely not in tune with my body age of 80.

I visit student health all the time for joint pain. Sometimes, my knees just lock up and my hips crack and pop in and out of their sockets. The student health doctors, as usual, are puzzled by this medical bamboozlement. I have searched on webmd.com and I’m totally sure I have arthritis. I think I’m going to invest in Life Alert. If any of you young whippersnappers has an extra cane or walker, please feel free to page me, send me a letter or write about it in the classifieds. Don’t dilly dally — I’m not getting any younger here.

Before spring break started, I woke up one morning with something hard between my teeth. I thought it was a rock or something. Confused, I went to brush my teeth. When the hard thing still wouldn’t come out, I went to my handy dandy floss sticks. I fished out the hard thing, and yowza, it was a piece of my tooth. Riddle me this: whose teeth just fall out or chip off in the middle of the night?

Anyway, I had to make a dentist appointment to fix the hole in my tooth. I think that, by next year, I’ll be having to take my teeth out at night and put them in a cup of aspirin. I guess I need to start clipping Sea-Bond coupons.

I’ve gotten a lot of headaches recently — I thought it was because of Work Forest constantly trying to smother me with Mother so Dear’s heavy workload. Nevertheless, my worried mother made me an eye appointment to see what all the fuss was about. Turns out, I need glasses due to something called accommodative insufficiency. I think it’s safe to say I’ll be completely losing my eyesight in the next four years.

I’ve resorted to eating yogurt, oatmeal and applesauce to fit my new lifestyle.

Does anyone know if the Pit offers a senior citizen discount? Asking for a friend.

I’m also starting up a bingo club if anyone wants to join me … What were we talking about again?