Amanda Wilcox also contributed to this article.

$hit. That’s what it smells like when you walk into the Z. Smith Reynolds Library (ZSR)! Many tour groups have passed through the doors of our campus’ shrine to learning and self-actualization with stars in their eyes and springs in their steps, only to be greeted by wafts of $hit to their noses.

True, it is Wake Forest and the majority of the toilet paper on campus finds its way from the bathrooms to the quad instead of to the students’ butts. However, the only brown substance whose aroma should be wafting through the library should be Pike Place coffee from Starbucks.

For this reason, the Editorial Board of the Old Gold & Black has one crucial plea directed towards the Wake Forest student body: stop $hitting in the old side of the ZSR Library, which includes everything from the entrance to the Circulation Desk. There are a few reasons why this makes sense.

For starters, there is something deeply disquieting about the old-side bathrooms. They have a certain vibe that makes the user feel stressed, and as everyone knows, once the pressure starts to build up, it’s hard to crap.

We both enjoy a peaceful poop. Who doesn’t like to poop in peace? If you’re looking to relax and enjoy some Irish Potty Poetry, compliments of Wake Forest University Press, in quiet solitude, the bathrooms in the front of the ZSR are not the place to go. There is an endless stream of people who come in and out, from parents on campus tours to the professor who just graded your latest midterm (you probably did a crap job). As for us, we prefer not to poop for an audience. Indeed, as Superman once said, “We must go to the fortress of solitude.”

In contrast, the bathrooms on the newer side of the library (including those in the atrium) are much less crowded and much more spacious. Freshly renovated, they provide a welcoming environment in which you can do the doo-doo.

With midterm season fast approaching, we both know that the amount of poops in the library will skyrocket. Worse yet, the amount of stress poops will skyrocket (and yes, there’s a difference). Imagine if these poos were being dumped on the old side of the library. The $hitty smell in the front of ZSR would invariably escalate, and no one would be able to smell the sweet particulates of vanilla soy lattes — tragic indeed.

All this is to say that we, as students who value our olfactory bulbs, kindly request that the repugnant odor be removed from the entrance-way of the ZSR. It may well highlight some of the crappier aspects of Wake Forest, but unlike the lack of peanut butter in the Pit, it is something that can be fixed.

As students, we urge you to do your part in cleaning up our library and dump your dung on the new side of the library. Better yet, take it to Benson.