POLO ROAD (BUT NOT THE FUN PART) – It is a sad day in the sustainability house as members mourn the loss of one of the four — now three — plants that sat on their windowsill.

Autopsy reports released by the members of the house reveal the killer to be none other than the owner’s neglect. This is the latest loss reported in a string of plant decays that began around the time of midterm exams.

Out of respect for its passing they will be holding a vegan black bean spaghetti night this Friday at a time that is, most likely, inconvenient for everyone with more than one weekly recurring event to attend.

Those offering decorative support for the funeral are encouraged to arrange locks of human hair in ornate bouquets, since flowers would make it a mass grave and a plant rights violation. The Susty House does not endorse plant rights violations.

The members of the house request that all attending guests wear their darkest Chacos and fleece quarter-zips. They have also stated they do not intend to let Greek affiliated members onto the grounds. At the end of the ceremony, they ask that everyone in attendance please hold their breath to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in the air and make up for the loss of their photosynthesizing friend in the fight for climate justice.

Seedlings from the plant’s family will be in attendance and ask that they receive privacy as they sit in the corner and do absolutely nothing. 

Fresh fertilizer will be given out to everyone in attendance. It is customary in the sustainability house to lather the fertilizer on one’s arms and face like sunscreen. House members will be present to assist in the application upon each other’s backs. The professional vegans in the Susty House fertilize their house plants with their own stool, which is entirely plant-based.

The passing plant will be laid to compost during a bagpipe rendition of Rainbow Kitten Surprise’s “That’s My S***”. The bagpipe was made entirely from recycled instruments thrown away by band kids who grew tired of pretending to be satisfied with their lack of a social life at Wake Forest.

The ceremony will conclude with an uplifting speech given by the Rabbi Rain Lily honoring the memory of the passing plant.

Those with no relationship to the family who wish to mourn the loss publicly on social media are encouraged to tag @finniganthefern and use the caption, “don’t cry because it’s over, #tbt because it happened.” All photos must be black and white with matte filters, as per the seedlings’ request.

From everyone here at The Worest and the OGBYN, we send our deepest condolences.

RIP… Finnigan Fern.