SUBWAY AT 3:00 a.m. — “Hi can I please get a six-inch tuna sub? I’m so sorry about this.”

When I heard these real words come out of someone’s mouth the other night, my soul left my body. I asked if they were okay and if they ordered this monstrosity by choice, they responded, “I love Subway tuna. I would order it fully sober.”

To this person and everyone who agrees, I have just one thing to say to you: no.

Subway describes its tuna sandwich as “freshly baked bread” layered with “flaked tuna blended with creamy mayo then topped with your choice of fresh veggies.” Subway’s tuna sandwich is actually offensive to tuna fish everywhere.

There was literally a lawsuit filed against Subway in a Northern California District Court alleging that their tuna contains no actual tuna. Based on independent lab tests of “multiple samples” taken from Subway locations in California, the “tuna” is a “mixture of various concoctions that do not constitute tuna, yet have been blended together by the defendant to imitate the appearance of tuna.”

The bioethics department and School of Law here at Wake Forest University should probably conduct an analysis on the fraudulent and intentional misrepresentation and definition of the word “tuna.” And while we’re at it, we should throw in the politics department and have them publish a study on this act of bioterrorism. The more the merrier!

Could you imagine being a wild tuna living a fulfilling life out in the Pacific Ocean? You swim upstream, content in your school. Along with your fish friends, you feast on tiny zooplankton and seaweed (probably). And then, one day, it happens. The mesh net upends your life, separates you from your school, the only friends you’ve ever known. As you are yanked into the boat, you see him — and now your worst nightmare has come to fruition. He stands, smiling. It’s Jared Fogle in a yellow fisherman’s jacket.

The whole situation is embarrassing. Even the talking tuna from SpongeBob has it better than anything that winds up in a Subway “restaurant.”

I seriously thought about sampling some of this tuna for myself but then I realized that I don’t hate myself, I don’t have a meal plan and that my body is a temple (no matter how much I treat it like the living room of a frat house). I’ll take the COVID-19 vaccine served in a Four Loko -branded syringe under an overpass before I put this monstrosity into my mouth.

In conclusion: Subway tuna is the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe. Anyone who orders it should be promptly escorted to the counseling center. The creator of this tunabomination owes everyone everywhere an apology and I hope their babies look like tuna.