Disclaimer: The article below is satirical in nature.

Stop watching the “what do I need to bring to college?” TikTok videos this instant! While they can provide some sort of inspiration to your shopping list, none of those videos are Wake Forest specific, nor are they as all-encompassing as this cheat sheet. This quick list of needs and need-nots includes dorm room hacks, attitude changes and underrated pieces of advice that you can’t find anywhere else. 

Need: Doorstop

Ever wondered how to make your room “the room”? Having an open-door policy is imperative. One, it gives your guest the impression that your Johnson single is actually a Bostwick double. Two, cool floor decor. Three, it allows people to drop by on you anytime to see what you’re doing and join in at any time, no matter how private the occasion.

Need not: Lock your door

First off, Wake Forest is perhaps the safest campus in the 27109 zip code, so there is absolutely no reason to ever fear for your belongings. Second, everyone has better stuff than you and no one wants anything you own. It’s frankly embarrassing that you would bring any of this to college and think that people would think you were cool for it. Third, it’s illegal to steal. 

Need: Shower caddy

Although the Wake Forest golf program has one of the finest practice facilities in the country, we regular folks aren’t allowed to use it. Luckily, Old Town Country Club next door rents caddies each day for tips for all your shower-carrying needs. 

Need not: Shower shoes

You are already going to have limited room in your closet, so don’t waste any space on some cheap slabs of rubber. Each pair of shoes you bring should be versatile and work with at least two different styles of outfits. Shower shoes barely work with the one. Besides, those dogs will be barking by the time you stumble in for a post-midnight rub-a-dub-dub. Might as well let them loose.

Need: Drink responsibly

For many of you, this will be your first time around alcohol. Pacing yourself is crucial to prevent blacking out, hangovers, or getting too drunk too quickly. One drink per credit hour is a healthy limit.

Need not: Venmo your friends back

All these under-the-table transactions do nothing to stimulate the economy, therefore the action is meaningless. If your friends are adamant that it actually matters, tell them you will pay them back later. You will never pay them back, but instead, leave them with an indelible lesson to always cross-reference possible lenders. 

Need: Watch the details

Is it due at 11:59 or 11:55? Am I supposed to be in Manchester Hall or on Manchester Quad? Do they love the Deacs or the DKEs? Knowing these differences can save you a lot of trouble and embarrassment. 

Need not: A second glance at your paper

Your professor won’t even glance at it once. Don’t waste 20 seconds on skimming when you could be procrastinating writing another paper.

Need: Adderall Plug

The best way to create a healthy study schedule is not consistency and a phone on ‘do not disturb’. It’s 70 mg of Vyvanse and knowing a sixth-year senior in Farrell. 

Need not: Alarm clock

Are you following societal norms? In college? Get rid of it. Spend some “time” behind Collins and learn more about the beauty of being set free from the status quo. 

Need: Fake ID

You won’t get into Last Resort without one. You don’t want to be the only one standing outside the hottest club in Deactown.

Need Not: Be scared to do something alone

Just know that everyone is staring and judging you. Hard. 

Need: Gas mask

This may be the lone one-use object I recommend you pack. As they say, a man who sleeps with a machete is a fool every night except one. When a nuclear fallout inevitably occurs and classes remain scheduled, you’ll need to get across campus somehow without keeling over. 

Need not: WIN-stalk in public

Without turning your screen brightness all the way down.

Need: Remind people that you could have played at a D-III school somewhere, but you prioritized academics

Great icebreaker and establishes you are the most athletic person on campus. 

Need Not: Keep in contact with people back home

Parents, siblings, neighbors, childhood friends, schoolmates; delete their contacts. They are has-beens. You left home for a reason. 

Need: An open mind

This is the beauty of a liberal arts education. That divisional you signed up for to reach the credit hour threshold may end up becoming your major and could turn your career into one full of passion. Apply this mindset to every aspect of your life and maybe you will discover a whole bunch of unexpected surprises. 

Need not: Interact with people of different social classes

Self-explanatory. 

Contact Cooper Sullivan at [email protected]