How to do everything but watch a football game

You can’t be upset about Wake Forest losing if you don’t watch


Virginia Noone

Almost 4,000 Wake Forest students came out to the VMI game in September. They couldn’t have all been watching, could they have?

Roksanna Keyvan, Contributing Writer

Football games are statistically proven to be great opportunities for power-napping. By “statistically-speaking”, I am referring to a sample size of one – and that sample is me. Yes, I take naps at football games and by the end of this article, you should feel encouraged to do the same.

I don’t understand football. I don’t understand the positions, I don’t understand the field markings and I don’t understand why the game stops every 15 seconds. Trust me — I have tried learning the sport, but the information doesn’t stick. If you want a random fact about the social-political meaning behind Dadaism or the political failures of the Weimar Republic — I have your back. But if you want to know whether or not Wake Forest scored a touchdown, you’re better off asking somebody else.

If you haven’t already guessed, I do not enjoy football. But will you see me attending every game day and supporting our Demon Deacons? Always! My secret is that I enhance the game day experience by doing everything but watching the actual football game. If there are any other non-football fans out there who are looking for a DIY survival guide to football games, this is it.  

Power-napping. That’s the key to a premium game day experience. The way I see it, half of football is about waiting for the players to start playing again. By power-napping, you essentially fast-forward the game in real life. I like to lay down across an entire bleacher — making sure to cover my face to protect against the sun’s harmful UV radiation — and just nap. If you think the stadium is too loud, the crowd will sound like a quiet buzz once you close your eyes — trust me. If you’re worried you’ll miss something important, the roar of the crowd will deafen your ears, so you’ll have no choice but to wake up and wonder if Wake Forest scored a touchdown. The only downsides to power-napping are the back pains (the bleachers are hard metal) and — be warned — probing questions from concerned onlookers in the stands about whether you’re conscious. Pro tip — if anyone questions your behavior, give them a thumbs up (don’t forget to add a convincing smile), say “Just napping!” and then proceed to nap in front of them. Power-napping is a power move. If that isn’t reason enough to not watch the game, I don’t know what is. There are bonus points if you wake up mid-game and ask your friends “Did we win?”, even though it is clearly the second quarter, and no team is showing any indication of winning.  

Fizz everything and everyone. This one is relatively self-explanatory. If you see something that inspires you, snap a picture and think of a caption. Even if no one finds you funny, you’ll keep yourself entertained. Just remember to be nice because I do not condone bullying (unless it’s really funny and about the opposing team).

Take artsy photography of ugly objects. This one will definitely annoy your friends or anyone nearby. Just point your camera at something in the distance (preferably in the opposite direction of the game), or maybe at the crushed soda can on the floor, or perhaps at the weirdly aesthetic bleacher seat in front of you. Then just spam that camera button. If you’re lucky, you’ll catch someone in the crowd lacking, which always makes the photo funnier. The end result will be memorable flicks and a solid way to pass the time.

Wander. Explore the stadium and silently judge all the overpriced food it has to offer. Better yet, just change positions around the bleachers 100 times. It’s great cardio, and everyone else watching the game will love you for it.

Leave. This one is also self-explanatory. If you leave a game, you are doing everything but watching it. The key to leaving is making a memorable exit. Don’t be basic and leave at half-time like everyone else. Make it interesting — leave at kickoff. Better yet, leave the minute the Demon Deacon finishes riding his motorcycle across the field. Technically, you went to the game and supported the Demon Deacons. Most importantly, you saw the best part of the game. It’s a win-win if you ask me.

Honorable mentions for gameday shenanigans include: wearing the opposing team’s colors while standing in the Wake student section and throwing trail mix into the crowd – however, these activities are riskier and usually not condoned by the general public.

That sums up my DIY survival guide to Wake Forest game days. I highly recommend (most of) these activities, as they have gotten me through almost every game. Just remember that if you ever see someone snoozing on the bleachers, it’s probably me. Go Deacs!