Once upon a time, before the age of term papers, exams and 8 a.m. calculus classes, there was a time when the biggest problems faced by the millennials of today were nap time, what flavor juice to choose and fights over who gets to be the line leader.
During these simpler times, we were all simpler people; to accommodate this simplicity, our parents lied constantly, bluffed frequently and made sure to cover up the truth. I’m here to expose these little white lies for what they truly are in the hopes these parents will stop this bamboozlement. I hope that these deceptive parents don’t get caught lying under the Wake Forest honor code.
“The stork brought you”
This lie gets deterred pretty quickly if you attend public school. But even if a child believes this, it does not take long for him or her to figure out the truth. First of all, storks are birds, not mammals. Birds, as you know lay eggs, not children. Second of all, how many storks have you ever seen carrying a blue or pink baby blanket with a child wrapped inside? Coming from Denver, North Carolina, I’ve seen some crazy things, but I can’t say I’ve ever seen a stork, child-bearing or not. So, if you’re a parent, please tell me this: What’s the big idea? Is the whole stork ploy just a business idea, designed by Hallmark to sell cards and decorations with big, goofy birds on them to new parents?
“Eat vegetables if you want to be big and strong”
There are a million phrases about food created by parents to make spinach, brussel sprouts and broccoli seem inviting, but they all share the same fatal flaw: all of these foods are disgusting, no matter how much you sugarcoat them (not with actual sugar, although this might provide a better taste to collard greens.) Sure, these vegetables have nutritional value, but I for one have eaten plenty of greens in my life, and I’m only 4’10,” which is not exactly “big” if you ask me. I’m sure every child has heard the Popeye analogy as well, but a cartoon character with a love for spinach doesn’t make this lie any more believable. I’ve never seen a four-year-old with bulging muscles just because he ate vegetables, and unless someone defies the laws of biology, this isn’t possible. Besides, who wants a million super children lifting Toyota trucks instead of Hot Wheels cars, throwing brick houses instead of building blocks, and hurling people instead of Barbies? Maybe demanding that children eat disgusting peas isn’t such a good idea after all.
“Everyone’s a winner!”
Of all the lies that parents tell, this is probably the worst. Paralleled to the participation medal, the phrase “everyone’s a winner” ruins the mindset of children across the nation by teaching them that they don’t have to have drive and determination in life because they’ll always get a gold star for trying. The idea of everyone as a winner is a pleasant idea, but it is illogical. It would make the world a much better place, but without losers, there could be no winners.
Imagine that it’s 1783 in colonial America. The American Revolution has ended, and Americans are finally free to do as they please. Suddenly, Paul Revere comes racing through your town, left in shambles by the British Army. Everyone gathers to hear what Revere has to say. “Americans aren’t actually free because everyone’s a winner!” Flash forward to 2015, and people are telling their children this little lie instead of telling them that it is okay to lose sometimes. Losing is an important aspect of life, and I would rather kids learn this at a preschool soccer game than in the real world when these children don’t get what they want.
Of course, if your parents are anything like mine, there are a million more little white lies to expose and deflect. Hopefully, I can help to expose parents everywhere for the horrible crimes they’ve committed.
