Editor’s note: This article contains strong language and rhetoric.
So you, an alt-right sympathizer, just watched last Tuesday’s debate where Donald Trump called upon you to stand by against the “Far Left.” Since you love him and would do anything for him, you decided it’s time to make your own organization to commit hate crimes. After doing extensive research into neo-nazi organizations, I’ve compiled this list of six steps so you can create your own Alt-Right Superclub.
The first step is to choose whether you’re a guys or girls organization. Co-ed hate groups are not allowed because of your firm belief in gender roles. Remember, there can only be two options because you believe there are only two genders. Once you’ve decided, move on to step two.
So you’re going to need a name. You could just straight up announce you’re a nazi, or you could go the more deceptive route, putting in words like liberty and freedom. You can really go wild with this — words like brotherhood, order, clan, white or Aryan can add some spice to an otherwise boring name.
You’ve picked a name! You’re one step closer to being even worse than you already are. The third step will be the choice between if you’re going to be a militia or a “peaceful protesting organization.” Just make sure if you’re going to call yourself a militia, you’re open to the objective criticism that you’re just large children with guns.
Now that you’ve got a name and chosen your organization type, it’s time to write a mission statement, or something you tell news organizations that make it only sort of sound like you’re not racist. I suggest “protecting western values’’ instead of “we’re scared of anyone who isn’t white” but really as long as you don’t directly state your xenophobia, you’re off to a good start. And don’t fret, nonwestern values can include anything that you disagree with, even if it’s been an established part of our country since its founding, like immigrants (I mean Europeans didn’t just spawn here, but really who cares since you don’t mean Europeans when you say immigrants anyways). Other mission statements that I’ve seen have put Christian values in place of western, but whatever you put, just don’t be openly racist.
Now it’s time to choose your power structure, or more precisely choose the names you give each rank in your power structure. This is where you get to rely on your limited knowledge of beasts. “Chapter President” doesn’t have the same ring as “Supreme Minotaur of the Southern Front.”
We’ve arrived at number six, the final step which also happens to be my favorite. This is where you get to choose your hazing rituals. Since Alt-Right organizations are a post-college continuation of frats, you have to have some sort of weird, violent and often more sexual than needed gauntlet that you walk your new members through. Whether that’s the neo-nazi group Proud Boy’s “no masturbation” policy (its really specific and super funny, look it up) or their getting punched in the face while listing cereals, is up to you. Use your imagination, or what little is left from creating a world in your mind in which what you’re doing is good.
The steps are laid down, but let’s see if they work. After very little thought, I present to you, The Brotherhood of Freedom, a male, neoconservative (fascist) militia that’s going to protect western ideals one way or the other, where you have the chance to be promoted to positions such as Over Kraken of the Deep South and Master Squatch of the Western Woods, but first you’ll have to go through a series of trials to make you an official member, such as exposing your naked self to a committee and getting your shins broken. See! It was that easy.
