As you can probably tell from the content of my articles, I have ADHD, which means most of my day is spent flipping through ridiculous ideas and scenarios. The latest one came to me almost like a gift from the Muses. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, which Wake Forest locations would be best to hole up in?

Note: You might ask why I’m willing to share such profound insight. Well, reader, I’m not really sure I want to hole up during a zombie apocalypse. I would rather go quickly than be eaten alive and ripped apart, and maybe that makes me crazy, but I stand by that. But just because I am willing to go gently doesn’t mean my genius should go to waste, so here you are. You’re welcome.

1. The Pit

Initially, I thought this would be perfect. I mean, it’s the literal cornucopia! But then I thought more about it, and this is a definite no-go. First of all, there are far too many windows and far too few things to blockade said windows. Second of all, while I would trust the Pit workers with my life, there aren’t enough of them to fight off an invading horde smashing through the literal wall of windows. And finally, the omelet line would be an even longer wait than it already is. 5/10

2. Tribble Hall

This one may sound weird, but just hear me out. The strange stair design makes it a perfectly defensible stronghold, hard to navigate and easy to prepare an ambush. And since the elevator never works, the third floor is nearly impenetrable. The only downside is there is no potable water, but when the zombies get the munchies for the poor Pit victims, someone can sneak out to hook up a water line from Benson. 9/10

3. ZSR

This one may seem great, but I do not recommend it. The main floor is creepy, and it is the perfect setting for a zombie ambush. Most of the potentially defendable spaces have glass walls. The higher floors are too open, and, as we know from people who don’t understand that the common courtesy silence rule applies to them, sound echoes. 0/10

4. Wait Chapel

This one would result in a literal massacre. All that open space and the echoey walls are deal-breakers. The only bright spot would be if someone was able to make it to the bell tower, they could signal for help. I applaud the heroes who are willing to take that chance, but it’s not going to be me because the odds of being eaten alive are far too high. 2/10

5. Worrell Professional Center

Now, one of your better choices is to head for Worrell. There are plenty of good hiding spots, sturdy furniture and walls, and it is so far away that even zombies don’t want to trek all the way over there. The bad news is that, once the time comes for someone to venture outside, you’re going to waste all day arguing about it with the law students. 9/10

6. Subway

You might scoff, but this is another go-to. Survival is almost guaranteed: food, sturdy shelter and a low profile. The biggest plus is that I would trust the Subway workers to successfully fight off the invasion. The only downside is that I would quickly run out of money at the P.O.D. 10/10

7. Benson University Center

This one is tricky. On one hand, if you manage to get behind the mail room gate, you’d be pretty safe, but you’d have to bargain with the mail room employees to get that coveted spot, and as we well know, nothing is guaranteed when it comes to the mail room. The upper levels are too open, and the Chick-fil-A is too tempting. I would definitely avoid it. 3/10

8. Scales Fine Arts Center

Now this idea is surprisingly smart. Neither zombies nor people would ever think of this, so it’s the perfect place. There are a lot of good spots to hide and prepare, and the confusing architecture is a built-in defense. Plus, think of all the metal instruments you can make into weapons. The only low point is that you’d have to fight past the theatre and band kids, so it’s up to you if you think you can take them. 9/10

9. Shuttle Stops

I genuinely hope no one is considering this, but just in case, let me explain to you why this is pretty much suicide. First, there is no way in hell the shuttles will wait for you — not to mention there is no way of knowing whether they’ll be on time. Also, that pointless new fence they built will not hold up and is utterly useless. It will be a definite massacre, do not attempt it. 0/10

10. Reynolda Trail

This is my last idea, and it is kind of a Hail Mary, but hear me out. This is for all of my athletes. If you can successfully dodge and outrun the horde, make a break for Reynolda Trail. It’s a clear path to civilization and, if you have extra time, you can even grab a crepe on your way to safety. You will have to fight the surviving suburban families, which does seem daunting when you think of all their built-up resentment and passive aggressiveness, but on the bright side, there will be plenty of kids to outrun. Hey, this is no time to be a hero. 9/10

There you have it. My slightly unhinged outline for the incoming apocalypse. If Wake Forest has taught us anything, it’s that even our best is not always enough to guarantee a win, so be extra vigilant. Take joy in the luxury of leisurely strolling. Note any scooter kids living near you. And, as we learned from the pandemic, remember to ration the toilet paper. (Also, please remember me. I’m not expecting a statue or anything, but I did come up with these awesome strategies, so maybe give me a little bit of credit for that? I can be in a futuristic nursery rhyme or something, I’m not picky.) Good luck, kids. May the spirit of the Demon Deacon be with you all.