Find yourself a man who is a human being. Make sure your dream guy is from planet Earth before you start crushing on him.

Find yourself a man who looks good. Make sure he can see really well. If he doesn’t have 20/20 vision, take him to the eye doctor to pick out a pair of glasses or contacts. He’ll be good looking in no time.

Find yourself a hot man. Buy a thermometer. Take his temperature. Refuse to be with anyone who is not at least 103° Fahrenheit.

Find yourself a man with a sense of humor. If he doesn’t love dank memes, he’s the wrong guy for you. In fact, if your man doesn’t have a funny bone, that is a problem.

Take him to the doctor; his bones are missing. Your man is literally missing bones. Do something about it instead of worrying about how funny he is.

Find yourself a man who loves good music. Make sure he knows every word to the Smashmouth song “Allstar.”

If he isn’t still upset about Zayn leaving One Direction, even though it’s been over a year ago, he isn’t “the one.”

In fact, anyone who isn’t still upset about Zayn leaving One Direction is a liar. They are still upset. Don’t be with a liar.

Find yourself a man who loves you unconditionally. You deserve an endless, copious, maddening amount of love.

Find yourself a man who loves food. If he doesn’t love food, then is he really the guy for you? I don’t think so.

The greater your man’s love for food, the more food he’ll have to share with you. I’m talking pizza, cookies: the whole nine yards.

Find yourself a man who loves to travel. If your man loves to travel, he’ll always be willing to go buy you Chinese food and bring it back to your dorm.

Find yourself a man who is smart. Make sure he knows basic addition and subtraction.

Me plus you equals endless breadsticks at Olive Garden. Me minus breadsticks equals me minus you. Do the math.

Find yourself a man who loves the “F” word: feminism. If your man doesn’t remember the ladies, then he can forget any chances he had with you.

Love yourself first, and any man comes second.