Jim R asks, “How do I plan the perfect spring break getaway?”
You’ve come to the right person. I’ve successfully evaded the FBI for nearly two months now, so you could say that I’m pretty good at getaways. Admittedly, I did have a brief scare last week in Cairo, but that was nothing that two camels and a bottle of Pantene anti-dandruff shampoo couldn’t solve.
But Jim — you young and innocent student who definitely actually exists — I’m tired of running from the FBI. They’re holding my cocker spaniel for ransom; they’ve convinced my children that my wife bakes better Beef Wellington than I do; they’ve even taught my wife how to bake Beef Wellington. Clearly, the FBI is framing me. So, Jim, I’ve returned to Winston-Salem to make my final stand. The FBI thinks this is my last resort, and maybe it is. Maybe it is my Last Resort. Last Resort. Jim. This is the answer to your question: the perfect spring break getaway is clearly Last Resort.
What other club makes you feel strangely excited and uncomfortable with their mildly inappropriate comments on your Instagram? Where else can you lock eyes from across the dance floor with that kid from your freshman dorm while he makes out with that other kid from your freshman dorm? Why travel to Florida or Cancun to watch the DJ ignore your fourth request to play “Dancing Queen” when you can have that experience right here in Winston-Salem?
Indeed, Last Resort is to dive bars what Carly Rae Jepsen is to pop music, what Zicks is to flatbreads, what Theta Chi will soon be to Wake Forest Greek Life — the pinnacle.
After deciding to host your spring break at LR, you must begin to enact your plan.
Step one: Contact LR and inform them that you will be taking up residence on their dance floor. LR, of course, has neither phone number nor email address, but they’re extremely (again, strangely) responsive to Snapchat DM!
Step two: Find the most sanitary location in LR and pitch your tent there. I suggest the volleyball court because literally no one has ever used it. As for food, your only option is to subsist on a diet of olive drink garnishes and LR-branded alcoholic Capri Suns — likely a healthier diet than your other spring break options anyway.
Step three: Take copious notes. No one actually knows what LR does on days not named Thursday, and this is your chance to find out. Do they host Sunday religious services? Is it Natty O’s private resort? Does it double as an old folks’ home? Is there a difference between the second and third options? The possibilities are endless.
If you follow these three steps, you’ll be living large for your spring break! This is all I can offer for now — my final showdown with the FBI is fast approaching, and I need to prepare for all eventualities. If you want to be featured in the next issue of Touching Tips, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. My time is short; my future is inscrutable; wish me luck, dearest reader.