Golden Corral selected to replace Moe’s in Benson

University officials hope that the new partnership with Golden Corral will restore Wake Forest to glory

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“Golden Corral accurately reflects the beliefs and values of Wake Forest,” reads a press release. “Golden Corral’s slogan, ‘The only one for everyone,’ mirrors the pro humanitate ideal that our school embodies.”

Alexandra Karlinchak, Editor-in-Chief

Next fall, the infamous cries of “Welcome to Moe’s” will no longer ring throughout the far-too-overpopulated Benson University Center food court. Instead, the quiet gurgling of a mysteriously viscous chocolate fountain will take its place.

In a press release published late Tuesday afternoon, it was announced that Moe’s Southwest Grill will be replaced by a far larger, buffet-style chain — Golden Corral.

In a copy of the 21-page press release obtained by the Old Gold & Black, the Wake Forest Office of Development explained in excruciatingly ornate details the reason behind the culinary change.

“Golden Corral accurately reflects the beliefs and values of Wake Forest University,” the press release reads. “Golden Corral’s slogan, ‘The only one for everyone,’ mirrors the Pro Humanitate ideal that our school embodies. Additionally, this business move allows for the strategic implementation of an unlimited number of puns. The literal and figurative profit we will make from this decision is truly incomprehensible.”

The press release also contains a blueprint of the Golden Corral floor plan. As showcased in the press release, the new restaurant will extend upwards into the third floor of the Benson Center.

Head of construction Robert D. Bulder says that the transition from Tex-Mex grab-and-go to bustling buffet will begin the first reading-day of finals in an attempt to disrupt as many people as humanly possible.

“We have decided to prioritize this construction project in Benson over residence hall revitalization efforts,” Bulder said. “It took us seven years to get around to Piccolo, so I think that students in Bostwick won’t really mind waiting.”

While many administrators are excited about this project, some students remain wary.

“I just don’t know how to feel about Moe’s being replaced by the Motel 6 of restaurants,” said freshman Cate Pitterle. “I am honestly confused. How are we going to have a buffet when we already have the Pit? The Pit is the Golden Corral of dining halls … this is all too meta for me.”

Sophomore Selinna Tran echoed Pitterle’s thoughts.

“I hate Golden Corral,” Tran said. “The thought of that terrible establishment being on this campus raises my basal body temperature by 4 degrees [Fahrenheit]. I can feel my proteins denaturing within me as we speak.”

Pitterle and Tran are joining forces with a group of 60 other students to protest the new culinary addition.

But administrators will not budge. They are insisting that the introduction of a Golden Corral on campus will both improve the restaurant’s reputation and boost the school back into top-25 territory. How either of those seemingly impossible feats will occur is currently unknown.

According to Golden Corral CEO Prance Brenary, the Wake Forest Office of Development reached out to the buffet chain on Jan. 19 to negotiate a partnership.

“We are ecstatic to expand our business by building on a college campus for the first time,” Brenary said. “I am honestly surprised that Wake Forest was the first to reach out — I always thought we would first expand to a campus like Appalachian State. Nonetheless, we are happy to become a part of the Demon Deacon family!”

The university will be hosting a Corral to Conversation to hear student feedback later this month.