Commencement this year looks different

The best thing to ever happen to Wake Forest University will occur (hint: look at the picture)


Pop and R&B star Cardi B. pays a visit to Wake Forest’s campus. Where does she choose to stop first? None other than Wait Chapel. The strobe lights behind the chapel were put there especially for her.

Olivia Field, Senior Writer

On March 19, Wake Forest announced that they will be holding an in-person commencement ceremony celebrating the Class of 2021. The classically vague email explained that, following the conferring of degrees, there will be a 90-minute celebration described by President Nathan Hatch as “high energy.” Through some top-notch investigative reporting, the Old Gold & Black has uncovered multiple details about the ceremony that will take place at Truist Field.

The “high energy” event will take place in multiple acts, according to our sources. The opening act will involve a haircut performance from Dean Shore. Shore, who often takes on the unofficial role of photographer at commencement, will take on a much more prominent role in this year’s celebrations. Specifically, he will give himself a bowl-style haircut in the middle of the football field after growing it out throughout the entirety of quarantine. Suspenseful music performed by the marching band is expected to accompany the performance.

Next up on the docket, the University Counseling Center will carry out a brief 15-minute group therapy session to make up for the fact that the past year has absolutely destroyed the well-being of all seniors and the only thing the school did to address mental health was shine a green light on Wait Chapel. It is reported that 2021 graduates will be invited to participate in a primal scream in unison.

After a brief intermission, the main act will take the stage. Given that seniors were robbed of a spring concert on the lower quad, it only makes sense that the university will solicit a performance from an artist whose only hit album came out in 2010. Singer and songwriter Mike Posner will perform the only two relevant songs from his repertoire: “Cooler than Me” and “Please Don’t Go”.

After telling the crowd that he has no clue what a Demon Deacon is, Posner will reveal that he actually attended Duke as an undergraduate student — and we will all be reminded of how our basketball season quite literally fell off a cliff.

Next, to ensure that seniors remember their roots, the fourth performance will be from the same hypnotist that made that one kid do a split during freshman orientation. The hypnotist will select 10 students at random from the crowd and make them strip naked and twirl in circles in front of their parents

Finally, the commencement speaker will take the stage  — or rather, their pre-recorded message will be projected onto a screen. It is the Old Gold & Black’s utmost privilege to announce that the 2021 commencement speaker will be Cardi B. She is set to give a moving speech about her inspiration for the song “WAP”, and make Hatch extremely uncomfortable when she uses explicit language and discusses her close relationship with progressive icon Bernie Sanders.

The event will be live-streamed so that all Wake Forest students and confused grandparents can participate in the festivities. Congratulations to the Class of 2021! To the Class of 2020, can you please leave us alone and stop living in the past already? Grad school is waiting.