Absence of beloved llama exposes mental health crisis

Lenny the llama was sorely missed during this year’s mental health week

The OBGYN reached out to interview Lenny the Llama at his home residence.

The OBGYN reached out to interview Lenny the Llama at his home residence.

Fake Worest

Did you notice something different about mental health week this year? Was there any specific instance of shocking emptiness that you felt among the chaos? Apart from everyone experiencing a mob mentality burnout, you might have noticed that Lenny the Llama from the Divine Llama Vineyard (as seen in many sorority girls’ Instagram posts, and who has previously cured depression) was not in attendance.

“These kids ask for too much,” Lenny the llama said, “I could get behind getting fed for no reason. However, this incessant touching is something that I am not in the right headspace to deal with. I just have a lot going on right now.”

The word on the street is that the student government has been too busy gerrymandering freshman residence halls to find a new, more mentally stable llama. This lack of llamas has caused an extreme level of disorder and a movement of insurrection against student-body President Miles Middleton.

Since Lenny is adamantly against coming to campus this year, the student government has put initiatives into place to make mental health week bearable and to also make up for Lenny’s absence. The initiatives include but are not limited to: harassing you on social media, passing out Marlboro Red cigarettes, firing the entire staff of the counseling center and changing the color of Wait Chapel to green for mental health week.

Lenny the Llama stated that since he couldn’t be in attendance this year, the student government instead reached out to his cousin: Joe Camel from the Lazy 5 Ranch. Joe Camel was unfortunately unable to attend as well because he had previously committed to attending an event at Duke University.

Student government representative Iona Pomranian said that Joe Camel’s absence was probably for the better. “Up at Duke they said he was graciously handing out packs of Camel cigarettes to every student. Administration probably wouldn’t care for that much, but I myself could kill about a dozen cartons right now.”

Now I don’t know about you, but I spent my Wellness Day spiraling out of control. There was precious little holding me back from tracking down Joe Camel for a personal petting trip.

Thank God I had my pack of Marlboro Reds and faint memories of Lenny the Llama to keep me grounded. They reminded me of a really important truth: therapy is expensive, but smoking your roommate’s loose cigarettes is free.

Because student government didn’t provide us any helpful recommendations to improve mental health, here are some things you can do to fulfill your lack of llamas:

1. Visit your friend’s illegal pet emotional support tortoise.

2. Prank call the THRIVE office.

3. Self-medicate (we hear Earls has several half-price Tuesday specials).

4. Go to the llama vineyard and harass other llamas. Not you, Tri Delts, they’re sick of you already.

5. Seriously, prank call the THRIVE office, it’s a hoot.

6. Move everything in your dorm room onto Davis Field and join the squatting community.

7. Smuggle a Vineyard llama back to Manchester Plaza, give him a quick spray-paint job and charge your friends for pictures with Lenny.

8. Watch an Adam Sandler movie (I recommend “Grown Ups 2” or “Click”).

9. Download Wake’s free version of a meditation app that plays a noise similar to that of a fire alarm every 15 minutes.

10. Make an appointment with the Counseling Center for the fall after you graduate.

11. Wonder why Adam Sandler hasn’t made you his lover yet.

In conclusion, you don’t need a llama to be well on your rest days. With a little bit of imagination, we can find the true spirit of Pro Humanitate. I guarantee that this list will help you celebrate the best of your humanity.