Campus safe spaces offer refuge during trying times

Student Union events — among others — offer protection from COVID-19 threat internet freedom


Fake Worest

We know not everyone is getting COVID-19 anymore (since pretty much everyone who goes out already got it), but just to be (Sneez)Safe, here are our favorite COVID-safe spaces on campus. (Spoiler alert: the top five are all student union events.)

Hanes Gallery in Lower Scales: This place is so unknown, not even Natty O is sure where it is (we checked). And let’s be real, you probably don’t know where this is either (unless you’re one of the 12 people who study art history). So, it’s safe to say the coronavirus won’t know you’re here either. Plus, you can thank us in advance when you can say you know where your friend’s drawing of a hammer is hanging up from his art divisional.

Kappa Kappa Gamma Suites in Dogwood: These rooms have been sterilized and are completely empty. Since all of Kappa is at the Best Western, on a private beach in Montauk or vacationing in Miami, there’s no safer place to be.

Knitting Club Meetings: Although we do not know where these meetings are held, we are confident that anyone in attendance is noticeably afraid of social interaction and would wear their own hand-knit mask on top of three surgical masks.

Ninth Floor of ZSR: If you’re looking for a place so quiet it practically doesn’t exist, look no further than floor nine of ZSR! We seriously don’t know how this place could be so empty — they’ve got so many books to read and only a few of them are covered in bird poop.

Student Union/Banshee Murder Mystery Dinner: Brendle Recital Hall is about as dusty as RedCup Wake’s Instagram account. Nothing has been the same since the Banshees sold their souls to tell PG-rated jokes on the lower quad.

Student Union Mason Jar Decorating: No one, we mean no one, is attending this event, so you don’t even have to wear a mask!

The Fireside Chats: Leave it to Natty O to associate his time as a university president with FDR during WWII.

Karaoke in the Basement of Zick’s: This event is actually lit. You should go. We can promise you that no one in attendance has socialized in weeks, even during a normal year, so COVID-19 definitely isn’t here.

Student Union Tuesday Trivia: Student Union reminded students that not everything here at Wake Forest has changed as a result of the pandemic — they still have no attendance at their events. Tuesday Trivia in Shorty’s is a guaranteed uneventful time, completed with three Student Union members, no free food and, most unfortunately, no Ange Sues.

The Breakout Room of a University-mandated Rush Zoom Call: Unfortunately, if you find your way into one of these, it’s time to shut the laptop. Best of luck in the fall.