The company tasked with running Wake Forest’s first and only line of defense against a fourth COVID-19 outbreak on campus has been receiving a hail of backlash over the past 24 hours after a new survey question was revealed without a proper warning email from the administration noting the change. The new question only appears if you click on the red frowning face at the beginning of the survey. Before the update, marking that you felt sick would prompt a call from Student Health Services. With the update, students now have the yes/no option to defer this call with a “simple and secure one-time payment of $77,342.”

Most students who reach this question do not have an issue with submitting the payment, but some have raised concerns. For these students, sporting minuscule thumbs and expansive luck is required — SneezSafe has programmed the page so that the “yes” option takes up the entire screen, and both the options are green. If “no” is miraculously chosen, the app will assume it was a mistake and instantly charge the parent’s Venture Credit Card from Capital One. What’s in your wallet? A lot less money, that’s what.

“I tried to click on ‘no’ but I guess my thumb slipped,” freshman Hadley Bahr said. “Seconds later, I got a call from my mom but she wasn’t the one talking to me. It was some deep, scary voice saying that there wasn’t enough money in the bank account connected to my WIN and that they would need some other form of payment. Then I heard my mom screaming in the background and the phone call disconnected.”

“But, hey, at least I’m not going to the hotel,” she added. “Win-win, I guess.”

SneezSafe has also updated the reminder texts it sends out to students who do not fill out the surveys, making these messages more threatening and personalized. Junior Nick Chihlas sent in a screenshot of one of the ominous messages he woke up to on March 29.

“Chili  — stupid nickname, by the way — we here at SneezSafe see you haven’t been filling out the daily surveys we send you,” the message reads. “Very inconsiderate, Chili. We hope that this behavior changes before a hypothetical hitman breaks into your Magnolia dorm (301, first room on the left, the bed below the ‘ain’t no laws when you’re drinking claws’ poster) and hypothetically bashes your ankles in with a baseball bat so you hypothetically are no longer to play frisbee golf with your Sig Pi bros. Toodles, TTYL.”

Though the Old Gold & Black was unable to confirm possible relation, multiple incidents of theft from the David Couch Baseball Stadium and sights of big, black-suited, sunglass-donning, toothpick-chewing men and women around campus have been reported to campus authorities.

In a press conference held by SneezSafe’s company president and life-size runny nose mascot, Sneezy denied any wrongdoing and challenged opponents to take him to court.

“As you can clearly see, we did not threaten Mr. Chihlas whatsoever,” Sneezy said. “The word ‘hypothetical’ or any variant of such word was used numerous times. Thus we maintain innocence and cite pure coincidence, should these actions occur tomorrow night.”

University administration has yet to release a statement of their own on the matter, opting instead to retweet a video of Sneezy’s statement and turn a screenshot of this retweet into a yard sign which was placed outside Farrell.

Rumors have been circulating that President Hatch is planning on announcing a committee to look into the survey updates once the academic year has ended. Why the delayed response? It is reported from a source, who wishes to remain anonymous, that President Hatch no longer has the authority to make decisions that elicit legitimate action.

“Once my tenure as university president begins, don’t worry, this will be addressed,” said the anonymous source in a heavy, 1930s Chicago mobster accent. “Nathaniel is a lame duck — a lame Deac, if you will — and frankly, I have made it near impossible for anything that he does in these final weeks to benefit anyone here. He’s my little marionette and I am going to make him dance so horrendously that when I inevitably [expletive] up, no one will care. And that’s just politics, baby. Hasta la vista.”