Dear Suez Canal Community,

I would like to extend my deepest condolences to each and every one of you hardworking, indestructible, floating vessels.

As these past few weeks have shown us, you are the overlooked and undervalued organ of this body we call Earth — the kidney, if you will. I do not know how you do it — how you manage to float literal mountains of cargo on water using only tons upon tons of sheet metal. My mere mortal mind cannot even begin to comprehend how you accomplish this sorcery.

Obviously, I am writing this without any selfish ulterior motives. It has come to the university’s attention that we are not doing enough — or even anything in most cases — to help comfort our students when tragedy strikes their identities and communities. Because Wake Forest is a proud, private, predominantly white institution with our demographics (including mostly blonde Betas from Connecticut and future white-collar prisoners), the Wake Forest community is aching alongside the world’s greedy rich shipping tycoons as they grieve over their slight flattenings of profits.

To alleviate any pains our students may be feeling at this horrible time, all students whose grandfathers went here will have exclusive access to the UCC for the foreseeable future as well as the opportunity to spearhead the inaugural Committee of Concerned Students Urging Kids to End Run-aground Ships in an effort to spread desperately needed American ‘Pro Humanitate’ in the Middle East.

Besides these drastic and hefty accommodations we have made for the greater Wake Forest community, I am curious — how long until this whole snafu is fixed? Not only because I would like to spend as little money, energy and time on helping our students but because it has come to my attention that many of the shipping containers on the “Ever Given” ship are full of vague motivational yard signs I have ordered. I need these in Winston-Salem immediately and would like a call back about the ETA of these precious gems as soon as you read this. Or we can schedule a sit-down meeting at the firepits on Manchester in front of prospective students touring so it seems like I do more and can get more twerps’ money.

With gratitude,

Nathan O. Hatch

Mr. Hatch,

I thank you for your concern, but I question what you think your actions will do to benefit anyone. For starters, you just addressed this to “The Big Boat in the River (you’ll know the one when you get there),” and then expected this singular envelope to circumvent all the shipping problems the world is currently experiencing and be hand-delivered to the very root of these problems. Secondly, I am looking over the shipping inventory of the “Ever Given” and it looks like you actually ordered 100 shipping containers worth of yard signs. Why?

With GrAdItUdE,

Mail Room Manager

Dear Mail Room Community,

I appreciate you for getting back to me so promptly. This is a very important issue and I am glad we have a top-30 post office to work with. But what’s with all the sass? I thought you could deliver mail through rain, shine and snow. Is a little traffic jam is slowing ya down? Ever get on Silas Creek Parkway at 8 a.m.? I still make it to campus on time. I hope you can get in contact with Mr. Ever Given ASAP or else there will literally be nothing for students to steal. Except, maybe these catalytic converters. What the hell is a catalytic converter?

With gratitude,

Nathan O. Hatch