Rule No. One: Never ever compliment. I deeply apologize, I am getting ahead of myself — I am here to help you win the favor of your crush. With the coming change in season and all of the emotions that fall connotes — nothing is sweeter than being with the love of your life.

That is why I am here. I may not be an expert in love and I may not know much — but I believe that you should heed my advice. As I said before, the first rule is to never compliment your crush.

Do not ever let them know that you like them, are interested in them or that they have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. In fact, you should insult them. Make sure that they know that you do not find them attractive or appealing (it’s all about the chase).

Once you have done that, they will be intrigued and enamored by your disdain for their entire existence and then you will be one step closer to obtaining the heart of your crush.

Rule No. Two: Talk to their friends instead of them. Make them so incredibly jealous that they will end up begging you for attention. Make them believe that you have zero interest in them by flirting with all of their friends. Trust me, this works (the guys at Wake Forest would know).

Rule No. Three: Do not be yourself. If you haven’t landed your crush yet and you have been being your true and authentic self, then something must be off, right? Remedy this by being a cool person … and cool people are not themselves.

Try to channel someone that you believe would land the person of your dreams. A great example may be Guy Fieri, a beloved icon that holds the attention of people who like food. Many people have expressed romantic attention towards Fieri, (well deserved of course).

Rule No. Four: If you do something nice for them, make sure they know you expect something from them. Open the door for them? They better provide you with a date in return. Be straightforward in your intentions — this is a surefire way to gain their attention.

I understand that there is a lot of information being thrown at you and can be incredibly intimidating or overwhelming, but, if you truly want to land your crush you must follow all of these crucial rules.

Rule No. Five: Do not make eye contact with them. They will know that you are interested in them because your eyes will never meet. Do not ever look at them or in their direction.

Rule No. Six: Do not listen and do not pay attention. By showing that you are not interested in anything that they have to say you are making them want you even more. Eventually, you will reach a point of being so incredibly irresistible that they will not be able to help themselves.

If they are talking about something that they care deeply about, just don’t listen.

Rule No. Seven: Stalk their social media and learn really obscure facts about their personal life. Make sure to bring these up in conversation. Another helpful tidbit is to like every single one of their Instagram posts. This will show your dedication and attraction towards them.

That’s it! Seven rules and you will be able to be with the love of your life. If, by absolute rare chance, these rules end up not working for you — blame it on them. It cannot possibly be your fault if you followed these rules. There must be something wrong with this person. You are a good person and they just don’t see that.

Good luck!